I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
