i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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