I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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