Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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