Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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