a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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