i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
