i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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