picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
