at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
