I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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