just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
