he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
