i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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