Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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