I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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