also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
