I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
