you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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