You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
you didnt know i had herpes?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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