life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
