My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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