I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
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