I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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