I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Someone shit on the floor
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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