why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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