In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
