ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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