I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Plan B is the new Plan A
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
