when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize