Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Randomize
