Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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