My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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