Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
What changed your mind?
Being sober
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
