census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize