In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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