bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
