If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize