Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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