if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
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