I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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