shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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