If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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