im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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