im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
