Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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