I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
