Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
God I need to hump something, right now.
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