You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
