what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
