Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
