did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
