I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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