I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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