I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
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