If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
