Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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