Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
We are two peas in an std pod
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
