I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
