If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
It's not a walk of shame if you run
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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