Me. At least after what I've been through.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
