rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I need to align my fucking chakras
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
