I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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