Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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