Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
