i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
