I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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